Agusten!

Agusten Burroughs spoke today at the Main Library and I just came from hearing him. And I think I know why I find you attractive: it's your brain, not your brawn. I found myself totally enthralled by this guy. It's not like he's what gay men usually consider hot: he's got a shaved head, wears glasses, it's not muscular and even has a little bit of a paunch (left from his years of abusing his liver, I guess) and he's got some things about him most people here would say are 'gay'. It's not like I don't know how very fucked up his childhood and life have been, 

I've read all his books and trust me on this one: it's FUCKED up. But the way he talks, the way he links his thoughts, the way he can make the pedestrian brilliant and the everyday funny is uncanny. This guy, even though you KNOW he may have more issues than Rolling Stone, is still riveting, magnetic. I think that is what I find attractive about you: event though I know for sure your wicked ways and can read you well enough to know that you're not an angel -the opposite if anything-, I still find you interesting. It's not only the physical aspect. That has never been a big draw for me (even though I cannot stand men who let themselves go way beyond healthy) a mind has always been the most exciting part of a man. I think that's why I miss so much the fact that I used to talk to Rob more than an hour everyday when I was in Pittsburgh. 

That's why I read your blog. That's why I want to keep being your friend. I want your mind. A good replacement, I guess if I cannot have your body. Burroughs shared snippets of his life -it felt like talking to someone you know, I guess it happens after you have read someone's memoirs and all of his books- and his insight into coming up for air when you've hit rock bottom. Very cool. I think I can go through this (glitch? stump? impasse?) phase I am going through now by looking at the future. No day but today does work for my Latino temperament, but he said he went through all those nasty, terrible years by looking ahead. And he shared the fact that he kept writing because it kept his mind from going back to alcohol. I don't have something like that to escape from -you know how bad I am for alcohol- but it would be useful at this moment. What with my hopes of getting a tenure track position evaporating at the same time the ink in Paul's signature in his letter applying for MY job was drying. 

And not to mention that I'm trying to patch this relationship of mine by hand, and possibly with the help of a good seamstress or tailor (or counselor, whatever floats your boat). But anyways, his words were really illuminating and the experience a very good one. The one thing missing was you, though. I thought I was going to stop analyzing my 'relationship' with you, but I see that it's actually useful. By knowing what makes me tick and tock I can improve and mend my -many- flaws. I can see what it is that worked so well with you and apply it to real life. Now, if I could only do some Magical Thinking... Cheers, baby boy.