On your life and times

Well, that whole thing with my folder was pretty .... unexpected. Very Junior High. I think I liked it. Just like your calls and your assertion that with your other friends 'you don't talk about these things'. Does all this have to do with the way 'I get you'? I've told you several times that we are very similar in many aspects. Skin tone and years apart, we kind or resemble each other. I understand your motivations, machinations and desires because I've felt and done them, too. Our worlds babyboy, are very similar. And that takes me to your insistence in my telling you what 'your world' is about, or at least how I see it. You see, that's the first part of this whole chain of events. 

Once I explain to you how I see this world of yours, it all becomes real, tangible, something you can taste and savor to your heart's content and then either adapt, adopt or discard. Like most everything that is touching your life at this point. You see, you have created your own mithology, your own place, just like Tolkien did with his saga of hairy-footed beings and their friends (forever in my mind now with Orlando Bloom and Vigo Mortensen's faces). Only thing is, in this middle earth of yours, the characters are actual people. But not only them, but the 'they' you want them to be. Leo, your ex-friend-with-benefits-that-I-call-girlfriend, Michael, Liz, me, your family. All of us play a role in your life. We come and sing La Vie Boheme at your command and then go. You keep us real by taking away our most annyoing qualities and letting there whichever suit your mood and whim. That is why Leo, the fun, sexy Mexican will forever stay like that, so you can pine for him when needed. 

Michael will act as a fluffer for your incursions in laissez-faire, Liz will be there for you to practice your viles on the opposite sex, all your suitors will be kept there just in case you have a dull moment and I'll be there as the lighting rod of your brain exercises. Oh, I know. I know why you call me, why you don't call and even why sometimes you don't even know why you're doing what you are doing. How? Because I've done it, too. For years. I have also lived in my head for long periods of time. I have also had my own middle earth and my set of characters. In what we are different though, is that I have been a little less reckless than you are. I tend to be more pragmatic, more sedate, less of an user and more of a doer. 

But like you, I've moved the characters of my own play around and have created certain situations and opportunities for them to do things for me and to react to my probes. You make up for technique and savoir faire with stamina and relentless energy. You forge ahead and somehow make things work (like making me write this post) by sheer insistence. You knew I was going to write, didn't you? You use the power you know you still have over me. But you pretend you don't know I know, because that way there'll be a tacit agreement between you and me and the attractiong that there may still be there will not interfere with our friendship. That is, until you decide that you want to try your claws again and take me as a scratching post. Just like those guys who suck you off will be used and re-used -or not- come the moment. Just like that girl in high school, just like your crushes, that you prefer not to materialize. You like that sense of ... being? It tells you you exist because you're desired. That you belong because you're included, that you matter because you are taken into account. With our help, you become you at different stages. You are getting your education from your lovers. But we have all done that. 

It's endearing and frustrating to watch you go through it. For all your bravado and your desire to have a relationship, you are still nineteen and unbounded. You are still a boy and consider the whole world your playground. School's in but all you want to do is play. You are learning how to 'do' people -and not only in the most vernacular sense- but how to mold them to fit the idea you have of them, how to accommodate them to the ever-changing landscape of your never-never land. That's why I think Leo will be Leo for a long time, Leonardi will stay in that limbo you keep him for awhile, why I will be read online from time to time and summoned to have lunch once or twice a week. We're your mental postcards, the mementos that make your land exciting and alluring. Like in my case, your biggest sexual organ is your brain (and that's a feat, considering how delightful you are in that department) and the stimuli you receive from us is a high even more alluring than one of the orgasms I gave you on your bed. 

Or that any of those faceless, nameless guys will ever give you. You are as fond of these interactions as I am. Why else would I spend half an hour typing away in a blog that only you would read and understand? Because when you read this, I become the me I let very few people see. I also have my own little middle earth, with my own Aragorn waiting to happen. I have also gotten my education from my lovers. And I'm still learning. So prepare yourself for a long trek. After all, I have more than fifteen years of practice ahead of you. I started when I was thirteen and I'm still going... Cheers, babyboy.