Snowflakes all over. I think that what I like best about winter is watching the snow fall. Even when I'm outside, I like to watch it fall. I don't like the bone-chilling cold that comes with it, but I do like the movement, the freedom, the carelessness that snow falling implies.
And I guess it was that cold what didn't let me go out last night. That and that I was in a bad mood. You know, the usual suspect. I had thought I'd go to a late movie and then to 'rosie and dance a little and then come back home and read in the sofa. But it was too cold and I just didn't want to get out of my pj's and jump into some jeans and a jacket. So I stayed home and read and watched some movies and read some more and then kind of dozed off. I read all night this book of stories of disabled gay men and women and the able-bodied men who love them. I found it in the library, that day I was running after you to recover my folder. Pretty particular, this topic. And it reminded me that we had a conversation about your don't minding that someone would be disabled and even talking about dating them. When I read this book (http://www.bentvoices.org/home.html) I came across one chapter where they talked about how beauty or what we perceived missing in ourselves becomes a fetish. And remember your desire to possess and be those other men you considered 'cool'. But they also said that for one able-bodied man to be considered and accepted by a disabled one, the disabled one had to get over the things he didn't like about himself, that is, his disability. I still think you'll go after the cool, the handsome, the 'other' and will eventually find your Mr. Right. But I also think that you will have first to get in touch with the 'you' I see: the one who does not need other people's clothes or coolness to be, well, you.
But enough of playing Freud. Right now I'm feeling really weird. I feel totally disconnected after a night without sleep.My mind feels like it's encased in cotton and I have no idea how this writing is coming out. But I don't care. Isn't a blog a place to just be? So I'll let it just be. I'm listening to Gorillaz and the washing machine. He's upstairs, cleaning up a storm. We're suppossed to go to some kind of semi-official thing at the Dean of Education's house with two friends later. He, very nicely told me I can stay and sleep. I still don't know what I'm going to do. For a minute, I reminded myself of you. That not knowing, not having plans, just living the second. But deep down, I think I've changed my dreams for plans and my hopes for fears. I find myself making an effort to do what before came naturally. And all in a short two years. It's all it has taken to turn me around and upside down. So these opportunities to just be and not think about what I have to do an hour from now are few. And I crave them.
But there's hope. My Christmas gift to myself will be to follow my whim: I'll be alone for around ten days and I will do nothing. Or rather, I'll only do whatever I want to do. Something like what that 'old' me would do. No schedules, no 'things to do' and nobody telling me about having not done something. It'll be cool. It usually is. It's happened every year since I live with him. I even rescind my fears of something happening to him and my need to finish stuff. I just let things be and happen. It's weird how custom is stronger even than love. You keep worrying about the familiar and fussing over the rutine when all you want to do is walk without your shoes on and eat cookies.
So after the madness of next week's finals and grades, I'll be on my own for awhile and I know will enjoy it. I think I'll miss you, though. I already miss the luminous chaos that usually surrounds you, the ten thousand words that come out of your mouth and my desire to lay on the floor with you and stare at the ceiling, dreaming something up. Hopefully, I'll see yo sometime soon. In case I don't, I'm getting that rug in my living room ready to lay on it. And do some ceiling watching. On my own. Joyfully alone and never solitaire.
Cheers, babyboy.
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